I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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