Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
