I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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