a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
