just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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