So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
