just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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