Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
