Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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