I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
