can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
