i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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