I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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