my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
