Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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