Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
