The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
