Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
