dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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