i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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