I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
