ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
