He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
