I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Everclear isn't food dammit
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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