He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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