i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
