I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
