I want to have your abortion
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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