mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
