Swine flu. Run for my life!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
