i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
