quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
