So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
