I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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