saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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