Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
