He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
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hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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