you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
