Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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