And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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