I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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