new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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