i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
