If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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