St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
