she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
