I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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