Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
