Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
