i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
