You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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