my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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