so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
