I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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