I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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